Monday 7 December 2009

Descriptive Style Draft 2

We were interrupted by the very loud ringing of a school bell, the high pitched sound echoed in my ears, silence rippled amongst us as we all became still. We all set our eyes upon the large black and white plastic clock above the hall entrance, and realised our fate, the first performance of ‘Tales from Geppetto’s workshop’ was about to draw back its curtains to an audience for the first time. Our hard work, which felt like our new born baby, was about to be examined by the most honest audience participant a performer could ever have, children.

I took a very heavy long breath to calm my heart which was thumping like a bass drum, as I prepared myself in my first stone statue like position. We all waited in suspense as I could hear thee cheeky, chirpy children’s voices bellowing through the door.

Suddenly the grand doors which looked liked they had grown taller in seconds swung open with a gust of wind throwing dust in my eyes. Through the doors entered a woman surfing a wave of children’s hands of pulling and tugging innocent happy children who were all walking on their tip toes with excitement, all ready for a new day of fun learning, knowing they had a very special treat in store.

Staring with joy at our brightly coloured costumes so much that they were bumping into each other like a small car pileup. Roars of ‘wows’ and ‘oooo’s’ came from the eager children as Mark; a fellow performer, balanced on one hand up side down. This broke the imaginary divider between the performers and the audience, as it seemed each child started to ask a million and one questions all at the same time.

But before I could answer any of them the show had begin, cue music, I could feel my nerves rippling from my toes up to my head, cue actors, I swallowed a deep breath to compose myself and it was me in the beaming limelight. My eyes witnessed nearly two hundred children in a sea of red uniform staring wide eyed at me.

Without panicking my nerves I introduced my character with confidence and pride in a low strong voice, ‘Pinocchi-A’. I am a talented musical wind-up toy who is old and wise that loves to perform. I lapped up the children’s staring eyes as I told my story, ‘I was first created very slow, created without any flow, quickly made from head to toe, my joints would stop and start to go, but my secret passion and my dream, is to make my sound and to be seen, telling jokes the stage was mine, but my jaw got stuck…’ and I was joined by a fluffy, yellow and white friend my conscience in the show Jimmy chick, a magical puppet.

Each life size toy in the magical workshop told their secret story through verse and rhythm and introduced their conscience, except the newest toy that has just been freshly made. Our quests, to all find her story and conscience. We search high and low through the musical land of blowing trombones and smashing symbols, exploring the five W’s laboratory where the nutty professors have given up on all of their beautiful inventions. The beautiful wooden puppet gave encouragement, solutions and ideas to make each toy we all meet happy with joy. For this the caring puppet was granted a wish for what ever she wanted.

The show went down a treat leaving our very hungry audience wanting even more, the rippling sea of claps and beams of smiles, left me feeling that my engine of enjoyment has been refilled with the inspiration of their energy.

8 comments:

  1. im over my word count on this draft any ideas of what to cut down if its needed?
    Laura

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  2. hello laura
    You have a very powerful descriptive piece here. I really felt like I was there with you. I particully enjoyed the way the reader understands the way you feel personally through out the performance.

    I do however feel it is slightly too long. I lost focus on the last two paragraphs. Look at every sentance and its importance of being there.

    I also like the way you have described the childrens reactions. The line "Our hard work, which felt like our new born baby, was about to be examined by the most honest audience participant a performer could ever have, children" made me smile.

    What are your thoughts...
    danille

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  3. Hi Laura,
    Really enjoyed reading this, it created a great image for me!
    The only things I can think of is that the word "bellow" might not really apply to the tone of children's voices, but this is just my opinion.
    Also the penultimate paragraph lost me a little. Maybe there is a bit too much information in there, which the essay would still make sense without?
    I'm having trouble keeping the word count down on mine, I seem to fill it with unnecessary things! Would really appreciate your opinion!
    Thank you!
    Grace

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  4. Hi Laura,

    The thing I enjoy most about this descriptive piece is that it is written from your perspective as a performer on stage. Your writing gives the reader a really, clear, powerful image of this.

    It is for this reason I would suggest maybe editing the paragraph beginning "Each life size toy.." as this is not as powerful descriptively.
    It doesn't carry on our mental image of how you are feeling, looking ect. In order to really maintain the flow descriptively you could add more about your feelings and relationship to things and people in this paragraph.

    In answer to your comment about the word count, If you want to condense this piece then consider removing the paragraph i mentioned above. I don't think it will jeopardize the descriptive strength of the piece.

    Tara.








    This could also help with your word count if you were still wanting to reduce it.

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  5. Hi Danielle, Grace and Tara,

    Thank you for the feedback, sorry I haven't replied earlier my laptop broke, but any who... Great constructive feedback, I am defiantly going to analyse each sentence to see its importance. I originally was not sure about the paragraph beginning with "Each life size toy.." this was through comments I was told to develop my character’s description and I did feel like I was going into narrative mode more than descriptive. But it is all trail and error learning I suppose.
    Thanks for the feedback again
    laura

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  6. laura, your descriptive language is very powerful. your adjectives set up the reader beautifully. from reading this it sounds like all those nerves you had seemed to melt away as (from what i read) it sounds like you gave an amazing show! well done!
    maybe i thought you could set up and write about the other people who performed with you, did they support you? where you all nervous etc.

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  7. Hey Laura,
    Sorry I am writing this in this conversation, it won't let me comment on your other post!
    Thanks so much for your comment. I will take on board your idea to analyse each sentence, it will be a good way to really edit and work out the relevance of each phrase, thank you. I would be really grateful if you could have a look at my other pieces, I have just redrafted them, and of course if you would like me to comment on any more of yours then please let me know.
    Many thanks,
    Grace

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  8. I really enjoyed reading your descriptive piece, from the very start I had sense that I was there with you and going through each step with you, coming from a dance background and having done shows in the past I can most defiantly relate to the emotions you are portraying. It has brought back memories of my good old dancing dance and has really made me take a look back remembering how it used to be who I was with, how I felt. I like the fact that you have used a personal experience, I think this makes it easier for all of us to draw in our own emotions and write them down as we are the ones going through the experience.

    Another thing that I like is how you started from the beginning of how the atmosphere is around you to describing little by little this big climax of a show, it makes me wonder if I could just sit there and picture everything you are saying to me as if you were telling a story.

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